just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
50% drunk capacity currently
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
