ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize