Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
