Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
