maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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