fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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