Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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