someone threw a dead crab at me
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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