I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
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Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
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Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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