i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
