you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
