i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
