Moan for me like Helen Keller
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
