she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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