Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
