I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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