I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
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I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
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I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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