Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
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No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
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We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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