Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
