my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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