Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
