Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
