Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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