i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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