Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
