can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
