Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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