Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My liver just broke up with me...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
