she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
