If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
