Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we're making bets on your personal life
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
