How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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