fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
