Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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