that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
