dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
