i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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