my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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