Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
