Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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