I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
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So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
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I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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