Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
