worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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