Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Randomize
