He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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