You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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