God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
