Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
