New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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