this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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