Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
