I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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