thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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