shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
