i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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