then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
